The Silence of a Loud Mind.

The bar has been raised.

So I started talking to this guy, which started out just for fun and to have an attractive male companion to share my deep dark sexual adventures with….no intention of dating but still open to the possiblity this could transform into a relationship. First there was the texting, which then turned into hanging out on a regular basis (like it usually does) and things were going well…….or so I thought. A couple months go by and, to give you the short version, he breaks it off…”it” being whatever it was we were doing. Even though it had only been a couple months I’ll admit being the girl that I am did make me start to develop SOME feelings for him. It also got me thinking that guy’s standards for girlfriends have risen over the years. All through high school and even going into my early 20’s I just figured guys didn’t really have standards, or maybe it was just easy for me to get guys to like me back then (not that I’m trying to say that I’m all that). These days it just seems like there are so many awesome interesting girls out there, I don’t know what rocks they crawled from under, or maybe a Noah’s Arc size boat just crashed onto a shore somewhere deserting a shitload of awesome/attractive hybrid breeds of females, I don’t know. I just feel like guys have had to raise the bar in what they look for in the opposite sex as “girlfriend material” and also makes me feel like if I really want to land a guy I’ve got to step up my game, or maybe I’m just not enough when I act like myself. Maybe I just don’t have the charm that I used to…or that I liked to believe I had, or maybe I’m too “weird” lol.

Usually when I first start talking to a guy depending on the vibe I get from them I hold off on being my entire self, at least in the beginning just to see if I feel like this is going to go somewhere. I feel like dating as you get older starts seeming more like work, I try not to take it that way but if you’re into a guy that you’re talking to and you have this hopeif you will, that this train ride of casual sex, hanging out once a week and him introducing you to his friends will drop you off in Couple Town then you do feel this slight pressure to win their approval and their love so they will one of these days label you theirgirlfriend.I’m not trying to sound like I’ve dated as many guys as I’m sure most girls out there have, mainly because I’m the type that likes to put some thought into my mates as opposed to just jumping into the relationship pool with the first guy that calls me “beautiful” or god forbid tells me the loves me, smh. What has happened with humanity?…Honestly, I’m a people watcher, not that I dedicate alot of my time to this hobby but I am an observer….I notice things. I watch these lonely singles like zombies roaming the social scene whether it be the trendy lounge/bar or the local venue to see the show everyone’s been talking about all week. They lurk around in search of some fresh flesh to feed on, some are good at being slye with their moves….and others not so good, or maybe they think in such a crowded room people aren’t noticing them plotting their game plan and what moves they are going to pull on the hotty that has been standing at the bar alone for the past five minutes, but I notice. Not judging them on their tactics, I still flirt with guys at the local bars and lounges if they seem interesting enough…..and by “interesting” I mean attractive. Eye candy is always a plus…especially if you’re like me where you’re not looking for a relationship right now, maybe just a companion of the opposite sex to hang out with and possibly fool around with.

Of course from my recent experience I do kind of want to take a little break, but it hasn’t turned me off to the whole male companion idea, I mean if I were to go out tonight and meet a guy that intrigued me I would give him my number so that we could ride this waterslide of laughs and good company to see where we end up. Maybe I should make a pact with myself to just act like my complete self when I meet a guy, maybe toned down a little bit though because I wouldn’t want to overwhelm or scare them, I think my true self can be a little off the weird scale for some people. I just love that point in a relationship where the two of you are so comfortable with one another that you can just act as goofy and lame as you really are and they will still like you, in fact, it is that weirdness that they love about you. Luckily I’ve met some guys that don’t really judge and for the most part love how open I am in our conversations and with any subject that we talk about. It could be because I haven’t SERIOUSLY dated in a while that I’m not used to the whole “dating game” anymore and I’m not that worried about first impressions, but at this point in my life I just want to have fun and meet as many different types of guys that I can till I find one that I truly click with and can see myself spending the rest of my life torturing and loving them. Someone that is willing to accept every weird cell in my body, act goofy and perform random acts of odd behavior with me in public. Whose willing to offer me his flesh to practice tattooing on, tolerate me possibly singing him to sleep almost every night, scratching his back till he falls asleep, wear every scarf-beanie-hat that I make for him, and just overall willing to love me and be faithful. It doesn’t seem like alot to ask….but we’ll see if what I have to offer is up to par with someone’s “standards” one day, until then….I’ll just be lesbian. (kidding).

The joke of a social network, otherwise known as “Blendr”

There are so many social networks out there that I can’t even keep up, I’m sure there is half a million that I have never even heard of before. But I’ve had an on and off relationship with the social networking app “Blendr” for about 6 months now, and at this point I’m not really using it for it’s created purpose but curious to hear of real people’s experiences from the app. I put on my status that I’m interested in interviewing people about their Blendr experiences and of course that attracted a lot of traffic…or maybe was just an excuse or an easy conversation starter for guys to start talking to me. Totally not my intention but of course I can’t blame them for using that to their advantage. I’ve had my share of experiences but it intrigued me to find out others experiences because with an app like this there has GOT to be some very interesting stories. So far I’ve heard some creepy stories (doesn’t surprise me), some sad stories and I’m hoping to hear some success stories but we shall see. I’m just going to put together a few short stories that people confess to me, and I’m kind of hoping people get as gruesome and detailed as possible because I love my juicy stories.

One guy told me that he was in Austin for work and had used the app to meet some locals to hangout with while in town, as a lot of people do for a one night stand I am a victim of this one or just to meet cool peeps for a few drinks. He started talking to this one girl whom he became pretty interested in, or at least interested enough to plan a meeting the next day. Unfortunately he ended up having to leave early from his trip for work purposes so he left wondering “what if…” and stood up a girl who could have been the girl of his dreams……future wife……or at least a nice one night stand to make the trip worth while. Like missed connections on Craigslist….they may never meet or be given the chance to meet, they may never speak to one another again…jk, there’s always Blendr so unless either one of theme deletes their account you can always fall back to it.

This next story was actually submitted to me by the same guy from the last story, wow…for being a member of Blendr for only two months his social life is already getting more exciting. He had told me there was a highlight and a low point of this experience, and of course this intrigued me even more so I bugged him to tell me the story. He said the highlight was that he had received his first ever nude pic from what seemed to be a really hot girl, and he had also exchanged and sent his own and FIRST revealing photo. I didn’t get much details as far as words exchanged/dirty talk etc but all he told me was in the end it wound up being a gay guy just trying to get some straight action. A fear people (especially guys) always have on social networking and dating sites, although I never did ask how he ended up finding out it was a gay guy…hmm….

Another contribution was given to me by a guy who had been asked a pretty interesting request and I’m sure he gave it a second thought. I have no doubts these sorts of situations happen a lot on Blendr but it’s fun getting to actually hear from the people that they happen to. He told me that a girl had initiated conversation with him with a simple “Hi” then they exchanged a few words, she continued with asking how he was doing blah blah that whole shpeel. He replied with “I’m happy to be alive” and then in response got “That’s cool, I feel that. We were just wondering if you wanted a blowjob or wanted to come fuck my girl with me”. Finding out that it was a girl and her boyfriend, her boyfriend obviously typing that last sentence but pretty much inviting him to come over and have a threesome pow wow with them and their freaky selves. As tempting as that sounded, he had to decline because although it is one of the top male fantasies to be 1/3 of a kinky threesome…I’m sure the other 2/3 has to be of the female variety in order to cause any sort of turn on in the male’s southern regions or spark any interest with their little member.

I figured for the last short story I would just contribute my own since it seemed the only people I really spoke to were either new or just didn’t have a real exciting Blendr social life. Not that I’m happy to admit I have a couple stories but why not share them I guess, I’ve already shared some of my own personal thoughts and stories with you guys already…plus that’s why I even have this blog in the first place. Well, where to begin….aside from the everyday creeps that I either just act like a Grade A smartass bitch to or just block without any explanation (or sometimes call them a sick ass freak then block them) I have actually met a few guys from this app. I guess I’m just at a point in my life where I say “fuck it” and as long as I give the guy the initial screening to make sure I don’t get the vibe that he’s a psycho, murderer or just a plain obsessive weirdo I figure why not. Of course my entry titled “Sometimes playing it cool just pisses me off.” is from one of my Blendr experiences/meetings..which I mention if you would be so kindly to read it. I have received a lot of touching feedback, most people that have read it feel for me because they’ve been through the same thing, some people commend me for being so real and not ashamed to share a story of rejection, and some people just want me to bake them cookies…so I’m going to start to make a list of people I owe a batch of cookies to, but please include your addresses because I hope all of you do not expect me to personally deliver them to you, not gonna happen. Well to get back on the subject of another one of my personal stories, this one is going to be really short because I didn’t even want to talk to this guy anymore due to the fact he disgusted me.

I check out Blendr, see about twenty something “hello’s”, “whats up’s”, “hey sexy’s” and “wanna have some fun?”…*block*block*block*. Some of the hello’s I reply with a simple “hi” or something random just to give them WTF face because I enjoy that. But then personally I am more intrigued by a guy who starts the conversation with his own random or smartass comment. What can I say, I’m sick, I enjoy witty banter and when a guy starts shit with me…all in good fun of course, never serious. But this one guy has a username “BADhusband”….that caught my eye and sparked my curiosity, I wanted to know if he really was married or just a dumbass so I start talking to him. Well first of all, he didn’t initiate conversation with a hello or hi he asked if I wanted to join in on a threesome….he asked in a few more stupid words than that but I can’t confirm because I blocked his sick ass. But I just replied with no thanks laughed and asked about his username, he explains by telling me that his wife doesn’t know he is on there and that he likes to go on and talk dirty to random skanks (girls). I laughed and said something bitchy, or asked him if he was serious I cant remember exactly but I pretty much told him I don’t want to be involved with any of his unfaithful mess and he asked if I was serious. What a dumbass, I don’t play games of course I’m fucking serious haha then I blocked his ass.

Yea, Blendr is definitely an experience….kind of makes me curious what Grindr is like, but then I’m not that curious. It’s an entertaining way to kill some time, and I enjoy just being a smartass to the dirty bastards that are on there to get some ass since that is apparently what the app was created for, at least that’s what I’m told but I didn’t read the fine print when I joined…I rarely do. I don’t recommend joining Blendr unless you’re interested in a social network that reminds you of MySpace and just want to either chat with people and exchange nude photos or just find someone near you to bang. Although I’ve met some decent guys on this app I wouldn’t seriously use it to meet a guy to date, and neither should you.

Sometimes playing it cool just pisses me off.

So back in October whilst in New York on vacation with my friend Annie we were hanging out with a couple friends at a speakeasy having a few drinks gettin a little twirly (as Zooey the New Girl would say). Somehow we get on the subject of that social network mobile app for the gay community “grindr”. This was actually my first time hearing about it, what can I say…with some things I’m sheltered, and our friends friend happens to be part of that community and he tells us about the straight version called “blendr”. Intrigued I laugh a little in my drunken state and say “oh my god are you serious? I’ve gotta check this out” immediately downloading it and making a quick half ass profile, cause you know with those networks you’ve always gotta make a profile to advertise yourself. Anyway, so I browse it a bit laughing at some of the losers that probably take this shit seriously and then I forget about it. Till one day after returning back to Los Angeles getting back into my routine of work I happen to see the app on my phone and it all came back to me, because I had completely forgotten about it. It’s been about a week since that first time I had looked at it, and so I go on and I have like 50 or so messages from guys (and girls). I read some, the ones that don’t seem like they are creeps….I don’t like to assume but some people you know just look the part. I get through all the messages and continue browsing, I happen to notice a very attractive guy on there (at least by his photo). So I initiate conversation, I don’t do that often unless I’m really interested. So we were talking on and off from the beginning of November exchanged numbers the whole bit till about February when we decided we should just meet and hangout for the first time since we already felt like we knew enough about each other.
Not taking it seriously because at that point I wasn’t necessarily interested in being in a relationship he just seemed fun and was super hot, plus I didn’t think he was looking for a relationship either. So we hangout for the first time and surprisingly he takes me back to his apartment and introduces me to his roommates, since they happen to be there anyway, and we just hangout watching Netflix episodes of random shows. After a while his roommate ends up migrating to his room and so him and I happened to make our way back to HIS room. Of course I’m the horny easy type that if I’m really into you will give it up on the first date, but we actually just cuddled in his bed and talked till the two of us passed out. Also I had no plan or intention (maybe secretly) to stay the night with him, I didn’t even have a change of clothes or my toothbrush. So he ends up dropping me off early in the a.m. because I actually had work the next day. Of course at that point I am smitten, and it had been a while since I have felt that for someone so to me it was kind of a big deal….and a little scary. I went to work just like I always do, trying not to really think about him because despite the way I was starting to feel I didn’t want to assume he felt the same and risk the chance of getting hurt. The last relationship I had been in was pretty serious, my only serious relationship actually, and I was a little traumatized by how it ended. It was the first time I had my heart broken and I didn’t want to feel that again so I played it safe and kept myself from getting close to any guy.
But THIS guy had to seem so wonderful, ok well he didn’t go above and beyond but we talked almost all day everyday. After that first night and he had returned back home the next morning he said he was laying in bed and it smelt like me, then went the extra step to say he “liked that”. Now THAT I think was what started it, who tells a girl that if you don’t have SOME sort of feelings for her. We went on texting every day and hanging out at least once a week (usually me staying the weekend at his place) he even took me to his new bands first show with him. Although it had been a while since I had done the whole “relationship” thing what was happening seemed like it was well on its way there. We would cuddle till we fell asleep, even when we spent all day on lazy Sunday’s either watching movies or him playing his video games we would always be cuddling, and it was usually him initiating the cuddling. So one day I take it upon myself to confess how I feel to him, I pretty much tell him “hey, I really like hanging out with you and I haven’t felt this way about someone in a really long time” and something about him making me happy or some sappy shit like that. I guess that was my first mistake.
He seemed cool about it, didn’t reciprocate of course but I though hey he may not have strong feelings but from the way he acted when we were together he had to have some sort of feelings. So the days go on, I notice he’s not texting as much anymore, I try to plan to hangout but not pushing it and he didn’t seem like he was trying that hard. He finally apologizes for not talking as much and says he just felt weird and felt bad because he didn’t know how to tell me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he could tell that’s what it seemed like I wanted from him. Which in a way, a very little way, that was kind of true but I understand the whole not being ready for a relationship. After my serious relationship I went through that phase for about four years, so yea I know where he was coming from. So after we had that heart to heart conversation I tried to respect that, I thanked him for being honest and open with me because that’s how I always want things to be even in my relationships.
At first, I was a little hurt because a part of me had hoped this was going to go somewhere, but we talked and came to a decision to just hangout, take things slow and see where we ended up. I had also told him that if I felt myself falling for him I would pull the plug, but let’s face it….girls will probably never pull the plug if a guy she’s into is showing her affection. We just want to know that someone cares for us and shows it as opposed to just saying it. I had also told him if he wanted to end things to let me know, so at that point we had a pact…we would see what happened and keep it casual and mature. He ended up leaving in the beginning of March for this tour he does every year, which even before we had hung out he had told me about this so I knew it was coming. But naturally after both of us coming clean about our feelings knowing he was going to be gone for a little over a month made me a little nervous. It’s like deep down inside I knew this wasn’t going to make things better and since he already knew I had strong feelings towards him I didn’t want to smother him and text him everyday that he was gone. I had told him I would just talk to him when he got back, trying to play it cool and nonchalant, also worried I would scare him away. But of course I would send him the occasional text, just saying “I hope you’re having a good day” or “safe travels” that sort of thing. I figured it was harmless enough.
I was wrong, but I can’t assume what happens next to be caused by my texts it just feels like it may play a part. But I get a text from him today telling me that he was sorry but this girl he has tried dating in the past was moving to LA so when he got back from tour we probably weren’t going to talk anymore. Knowing our agreement I had to respect his decision, of course the girl in me couldn’t help but be a little hurt. No girl wants to be told by a guy she likes that they shouldn’t talk anymore, especially if the reason is because of another girl. A part of me feels like I just wasted those couple of months, but I can’t blame anyone but myself since I knew what we were doing from the start. I was just hoping the first guy I actually let into my life wouldn’t cause pain like that.
I don’t normally complain like this, sometimes I just need to vent as a way of moving on. I’ll most likely be over it all in a week or so but just living in the now kind of sucks lol. If you happened to get through this entire post, I will bake you cookies because I probably would quit after the first few sentences haha. But thanks for reading, hopefully none of you go through this, and maybe I will find love one day :) till then I’ll continue living life and being happy with myself and the people surrounding me.

-Kass